It's time for the Royal Rumble! As I've said before, it's the happiest time of year because the Rumbles are far more exciting than WrestleMania in my opinion. Let's check in with this year's Royal Rumble By-The-Numbers (TM) video.
Alright let's get too it - fantasy booking two full Rumbles takes a while so we're more strapped for time than usual. I'll see you after the fold!
Let's check in with the results from the latest round of the all-new all-different Quixotronic Wrestling Shame Challenge!
Previously on Fanboy Wrestletronic…
Standings going into WWE Day One 2022, NXT 2.0 New Year’s Evil 2022, NJPW Wrestle Kingdom 16, and Impact Hard to Kill 2022 :
1st Place: Tim 68.4% (54-25)
2nd Place: Kyle 68.2% (75-35)
3rd Place: Andy 50.9% (29-28)
4th Place: Ryan 49.2% (32-33)
WWE Day One results :
Sheamus (and Ridge Holland technically) def. Cesaro & Ricochet by pinfall.
Andy: Ridge Holland & Sheamus (1-0)
Kyle: Cesaro & Ricochet (0-1)
Tim: Cesaro & Ricochet (0-1)
Smackdown Tag Team Titles Match : The Usos (Jey & Jimmy Uso) © def. The New Day (Kofi Kingston & King Xavier Woods) by pinfall.
Andy: Usos (2-0)
Kyle: New Day (0-2)
Tim: New Day (0-2)
Drew McIntyre def. Madcap Moss (w/ Happy Corbin) by pinfall.
Andy: Madcap Moss (2-1)
Kyle: Drew McIntyre (1-2)
Tim: Drew McIntyre (1-2)
Raw Tag Team Titles Match : Matt Riddle & Randy Orton © def. The Street Profits (Angelo Dawkins & Montez Ford) by pinfall.
Andy: Street Profits (2-2)
Kyle: Matt Riddle & Randy Orton (2-2)
Tim: Street Profits (1-3)
Edge (w/ Beth Phoenix) def. The Miz (w/ Maryse) by pinfall.
Andy: Miz (2-3)
Kyle: Miz (2-3)
Tim: Edge (2-3)
Raw Women’s Title Match : Becky Lynch © def. Liv Morgan by pinfall.
Andy: Liv Morgan (2-4)
Kyle: Becky Lynch (3-3)
Tim: Becky Lynch (3-3)
WWE World Title Match : Brock Lesnar def. Big E, Bobby Lashley, Kevin Owens, & Seth Rollins by pinfall.
NEW WWE World Champion : Brock Lesnar
Andy: n/a (2-4)
Kyle: n/a (3-3)
Tim: n/a (3-3)
NXT 2.0 New Year’s Evil 2022 results :
NXT North American & Cruiserweight Titles Unification Match : Carmelo Hayes © def. Roderick Strong © by pinfall to win/retain the unified NXT North American title.
Kyle: Carmelo Hayes (1-0)
Matt Riddle & MSK (Nash Carter & Wes Lee) def. Imperium (Fabian Aichner, Marcel Barthel, & WALTER) by pinfall.
Kyle: Imperium (1-1)
NXT Women's Title Match : Mandy Rose © def. Cora Jade and Raquel González by pinfall to retain the NXT Women's title.
Kyle: Mandy Rose (2-1)
NXT Men's Title Match : Bron Breakker def. Tommaso Ciampa © by submission to win the NXT Men's title.
Kyle: Bron Breakker (3-1)
NJPW Wrestle Kingdom 16 results :
YOH def. SHO (w/ Dick Togo) by pinfall.
Kyle: YOH (1-0)
Bullet Club (KENTA, El Phantasmo, & Taiji Ishimori) def. Hiroshi Tanahashi & Mega Coaches (Rocky Romero & Ryusuke Taguchi) by DQ.
Kyle: n/a (1-0)
United Empire (Great-O-Khan, Jeff Cobb, & Will Ospreay) def. Los Ingobernables de Japon (BUSHI, SANADA, & Tetsuya Naito) by pinfall.
Kyle: n/a (1-0)
Katsuyori Shibata defeated Ren Narita by pinfall.
Kyle: Katsuyori Shibata (2-0)
NEVER Openweight Title Match : EVIL (with Dick Togo) def. Tomohiro Ishii © by pinfall tin win the NEVER Openweight title.
Kyle: EVIL (3-0)
IWGP Heavyweight Tag Team Titles Match : CHAOS (Hirooki Goto & YOSHI-HASHI) def. Dangerous Tekkers (Taichi & Zack Sabre Jr.) © by pinfall to win the IWGP Heavyweight Tag Team titles.
Kyle: Dangerous Tekkers (3-1)
IWGP Junior Heavyweight Title Match : El Desperado © def. Hiromu Takahashi by pinfall to retain the IWGP Junior Heavyweight title.
Kyle: Hiromu Takahashi (3-2)
IWGP World Heavyweight Title Match : Kazuchika Okada def. Shingo Takagi © by pinfall to win the IWGP World Heavyweight title.
Kyle: Shingo Takagi (3-3)
IWGP Junior Heavyweight Tag Team Titles Match : Flying Tiger (Robbie Eagles and Tiger Mask IV) © def. the Mega Coaches (Rocky Romero & Ryusuke Taguchi) and Bullet Club's Cutest Tag Team (El Phantasmo & Taiji Ishimori) by submission to retain the IWGP Junior Heavyweight Tag Team titles.
Kyle: Flying Tigers (4-3)
Saya Kamitani & Tam Nakano def. Mayu Iwatani & Starlight Kid by pinfall.
Kyle: n/a (4-3)
Provisional KOPW 2022 Trophy Match : Minoru Suzuki def. Chase Owens, CIMA and Toru Yano by pinfall to win the provisional KOPW 2022 Trophy.
Kyle: n/a (4-3)
NEVER 6-Man Tag Team Titles Match : House of Torture (EVIL, SHO, & Yujiro Takahashi) © (with Dick Togo) def. CHAOS (Hirooki Goto, YOH, & YOSHI-HASHI) by pinfall to retain the NEVER 6-Man Tag Team titles.
Kyle: House of Torture (5-3)
SANADA def. Great O-Khan by pinfall.
Kyle: SANADA (6-3)
Tetsuya Naito def. Jeff Cobb by pinfall.
Kyle: Tetsuya Naito (7-3)
IWGP United States Title No DQ Match : Hiroshi Tanahashi def. KENTA © by pinfall (and murder?) to win the IWGP United States title.
Kyle: KENTA (7-4)
IWGP World Heavyweight Title Match : Kazuchika Okada © def. Will Ospreay by pinfall to retain the IWGP World Heavyweight title.
Kyle: Will Ospreay (7-5)
Impact Hard to Kill 2022 results :
Knockouts Ultimate X Match : Tasha Steelz def. Alisha Edwards, Chelsea Green, Jordynne Grace, Lady Frost, and Rosemary.
Kyle: Chelsea Green (0-1)
Impact X-Division Title Match : Trey Miguel © def. Steve Maclin by pinfall to retain the Impact X-Division title.
Kyle: Steve Maclin (0-2)
ROH World Title Match : Jonathan Gresham © def. Chris Sabin by pinfall to retain the ROH World title.
Kyle: Jonathan Gresham (1-2)
Josh Alexander def. Jonah Rock by submission.
Kyle: Jonah Rock (1-3)
10-Man Hardcore War Match : Eddie Edwards, Heath Miller, Rhino, Rich Swann, & Willie Mack def. the Good Brothers (Doc Gallows & Karl Anderson) & Violent By Design (Deaner, Eric Young, & Joe Doering) by pinfall.
Kyle: Eddie Edwards, Heath Miller, Rhino, Rich Swann, & Willie Mack (2-3)
Impact World Title Match : Moose © def. Matt Cardona and W. Morrissey by pinfall to retain the Impact World title.
Kyle: Moose (3-3)
Impact Knockouts Title Texas Deathmatch : Mickie James © def. Deonna Purrazzo to retain the Impact Knockouts title.
Kyle: Mickie James (4-3)
And now the conclusion…
New standings after WWE Day One 2022, NXT 2.0 New Year’s Evil 2022, NJPW Wrestle Kingdom 16, and Impact Hard to Kill 2022 :
1st Place: Tim 67.1% (57-28)
2nd Place: Kyle 66.2% (92-47)
3rd Place: Ryan 49.2% (32-33)
4th Place: Andy 49.2% (31-32)
Who will survive!?
If you want to watch WWE Royal Rumble 2022 live on Saturday (January 29, 2021), you’ll want to subscribe to Peacock. Until then, here’s your Quixotronic preview of the show.
WWE Royal Rumble 2022
Edge & Beth Phoenix vs the Miz & Maryse
The Background: Edge and the Miz returned to Raw on the November 29 Raw and immediately started feuding over who the WWE Universe was more excited to see back. Things came to a head when the Miz and Maryse decided to renew their vows on the December 27 Raw instead of on their own Miz and Mrs show or at a Local Legal Facility so Edge showed up and gave them a Brood-style blood bath. Edge then defeated the Miz at WWE Day One 2022 with the help of Beth Phoenix who neutralized Maryse. As these things usually do, we have now progressed to an intergender tag team match featuring both couples.
Fanboy Fantasy: As I proposed in my fantasy booking of Edge vs Miz at WWE Day One 2022, let’s make a number in the Royal Rumble for the winning couple up for grabs - why else would they be willing to fight another match outside of the Rumble? You could either work in the match that gives you a WrestleMania main event opportunity, or a tag team match with no championship stakes. It doesn’t make sense. Miz and Maryse make the proposal on the pre-show after mentioning there was 1 entry open in each Rumble, and points out that he will personally stop Edge from repeating his Royal Rumble victory before he can even enter the Rumble. Edge and Phoenix, already having multiple victories over Miz and Mrs easily accept. Edge and Phoenix are able to overpower the others for the first couple of minutes but Maryse and Miz are able to distract the ref a few times to regain the advantage. Miz eventually hits a Skull-Crushing Finale while the women are on the outside and scores the pin, removing the Rated-R Superstar and the Glamazon from the Rumbles. In a post-match interview, Miz says he’s going to win the Rumble after personally defeating last year’s winner and then he’ll take back his WWE World title, and it’ll be that much sweeter if he face Bobby Lashley again to get revenge and the championship.
Quixotronic Bullpen Predictions:
Kyle: Miz & Maryse - why have them fight again if not to give Miz a win back?
Andy: Edge & Beth Phoenix
Ryan: Edge & Beth Phoenix
Tim: Edge & Beth Phoenix
Raw Women's Title Match : Doudrop vs Becky Lynch ©
The Background: Becky Lynch most recently defeated Liv Morgan on both the December 6 Raw and WWE Day One 2022, so it's time for a new challenger. Doudrop emerged as that new challenger on the January 10 Raw by defeating former challengers Bianca Belair and Liv Morgan in a triple threat match. The next week on January 17 Raw we played the game of can-they-co-exist when Lynch & Doudrop defeated Morgan & Belair in a tag team match - Doudrop attacked Lynch after the match, obviously. They can not co-exist.
Fanboy Fantasy: Big Time Becks starts with the advantage, but a few minutes in she starts getting cocky and Doudrop is able to find her footing, starting to overpower the champion. Doudrop is able to work Becky from a 1-count to a 2-count to a 2.7-count, enough to get the crowd behind her and she might actually pull this off. Becky is able to sneak into a Dis-arm-her, but with the momentum Doudrop is able to literally toss Becky off of her. Of course in doing so Becky knocks into the referee, allowing her to blindside Doudrop and ram her shoulder and arm into the post and hook it around the post and hold it for far longer than the given 5 seconds. With Doudrop nursing herself on the outside, Becky wakes up the referee to start a 10-count, but Doudrop powers in as soon as it starts, shocking Becky. Doudrop goes for a shoulder tackle, mistakingly using the injured side, so Becky is able to lock in the Dis-arm-her again, this time causing her to tap. After the referee hands her the belt back, Becky grabs a mic and yells at Doudrop to get out of her ring, it’s time for Becky’s main event competitor to show herself! She stretches, pulls out her sunglasses, and joins commentary as the women’s Royal Rumble starts.
Quixotronic Bullpen Predictions:
Kyle: Becky Lynch - I don't see Lynch losing her title before passing the "3 year" mark of being undefeated for her title.
Andy: Doudrop
Ryan: Becky Lynch
Tim: Becky Lynch
Women's Royal Rumble Match
21 of 30 announced : Aliyah, Bianca Belair, Brie Bella, Carmella, Charlotte Flair, Dana Brooke, Kelly Kelly, Lita, Liv Morgan, Michelle McCool, Mickie James, Naomi, Natalya, Nikki ASH, Nikki Bella, Rhea Ripley, Shayna Baszler, Shotzi Blackheart, Summer Rae, Tamina, Zelina Vega
The Background: It's the women's Royal Rumble match - the winner gets a title shot in the main event of WrestleMania 38.
Fanboy Fantasy:
1 - Charlotte Flair
2 - Liv Morgan
While Liv has had her issues more recently with Becky Lynch, she had similar issues with Charlotte Flair in the past. The two square up as they buckle in for the long haul. Lynch on commentary loudly says she’d love to see Flair go the distance and win so she can beat her again and take both titles in the main event of WrestleMania.
3 - Summer Rae
Rae tries to join the fray though Morgan and Flair want to fight each other more. Rae briefly teams with Morgan against Flair, but it doesn’t last long.
4 - Dana Brooke
While Morgan and Rae start to face off, this gives Flair the opportunity to eliminate Dana Brooke (1) as soon as she enters. She then leans back against a turnbuckle to watch Morgan/Rae while also waving to Lynch.
5 - Lita
Lita enters fifth and goes right for Flair while Morgan is able to eliminate Summer Rae (2).
6 - Brie Bella
Brie Bella attacks Lita first purely based on her back being the Brie as she enters. Morgan and Flair start facing off again with Lynch saying that maybe Morgan will finally win the big one, only to lose to her at WrestleMania.
7 - Naomi
Naomi joins Morgan to double team Flair who finally is looking distressed.
8 - Mickie James
Mickie James, the Impact Knockouts Champion, shows up with her Impact Knockouts title to pose at the entryway before Nick Aldis bows and takes the title to the back. James also joins the battle against Flair. Lita and Brie get mixed up into it which spills into Naomi eliminating Brie Bella (3).
9 - Natalya
Natalya enters and attacks both Lita and Mickie James, freeing Flair from the group assault she was in the middle of. Flair and Morgan both rest while Natalya takes on the legends.
10 - Bianca Belair
Belair enters and saves Lita and James only for James to go for a potentially quick elimination on Belair. Belair holds on while Naomi picks up with Flair.
11 - Kelly Kelly
Kelly Kelly enters as Mickie James gets revenge and eliminates Natalya (4), making possibly the first elimination caused by someone not on WWE’s payroll.
12 - Xia Li
Xia Li enters and gets mixed in with everyone else.
13 - Rhea Ripley
Ripley enters and immediately tosses out and eliminated Kelly Kelly (5), the closest woman to her. Lynch salivates and defeating her in the main event.
14 - Alexa Bliss
Bliss returns, Fiend-free and back to her Little Miss Bliss self. Flair motions to Bliss to “bring it” and Bliss does. Everyone else gets a rest period while we focus on Bliss and Flair. Commentary has to update Lynch on the whole Fiend/Lily situation, which she laughs at and tells them that can’t possibly be correct.
15 - Tamina
Tamina powers in as we now have 10 women battling in the ring. Lynch is still laughing at the idea that Bliss wants to murder Flair over a dead doll.
16 - Io Shirai
NXT superstar Io Shirai enters and quickly hops on the top rope and splashes everyone down in the ring for another rest period.
17 - Aliyah
Aliyah enters as we’re now up to 12 women.
18 - Deonna Purrazzo
The Ring of Honor Women’s Champion (who is acknowledge as such) runs to the ring and decks Mickie James hard. The two brawl and spill outside of the ring, eliminating both Mickie James (6) and Purrazzo (7). It won’t get her to WrestleMania, but its more important to Purrazzo that James doesn’t go either.
19 - Asuka
Asuka returns and with 12 women in the ring, guess who’s going to cull the herd? Asuka eliminates Naomi (8) followed by Xia Li (9) followed by Tamina (10). In the chaos, Alexa Bliss also eliminates Charlotte Flair (11), causing Becky Lynch to give Bliss a standing ovation.
20 - Nikki ASH
Nikki ASH, now sporting supervillain colors, attacks Rhea Ripley right away, the two spilling out (but under the ropes) of the ring to brawl on the outside. The referees try to separate them and get them each back in the ring. In the mean time Bianca Belair is able to hoist Aliyah (12) out of the match.
21 - Nikki Bella
Nikki Bella hits the ring, giving Lynch time to get confused on how now there’s two Nikkis in the ring and there’s no way to tell them apart. Commentary points out that Bella’s twin was in the match earlier, but Lynch has no idea what they’re talking about. In the mean time, Asuka eliminates Lita (13) for her fourth elimination of the night.
22 - Bayley
Bayley returns and takes her time to get into the ring - first she heads to the commentary booth to stare down both Lynch and her title. Before Lynch can react, Bayley decks her, holds up Lynch’s title, drops it and then slides into the ring to join the match. By this point the referees have also gotten Ripley and ASH back into the ring who appear to almost team up again and Belair and Morgan face off against them.
23 - Maryse
Maryse enters just as Morgan and Belair eliminate both Nikki ASH (14) and Rhea Ripley (15). The two pick themselves up and fight to the back.
24 - Carmella
Carmella enters carrying her WWE Women’s Tag Team belt, but proceeds to sit next to Lynch at the commentary booth since that is where champions sit. In the ring, Bayley crushes dreams by eliminating Liv Morgan (16) who had made it all the way from entering at 3 to the 24th entrant. Let’s call that 30+ minutes?
25 - Zelina Vega
As Vega heads to the ring, Carmella slides into the ring from the opposed side so the champs can attack together. Alexa Bliss in the mean time is able to eliminate Maryse (17) while Bayley crushes more dreams and eliminates last year’s winner Bianca Belair (18). Carmella and Vega also eliminate Nikki Bella (19), getting us down to 6 competitors.
26 - Ronda Rousey
Asuka and Io Shirai team-up to eliminate both Zelina Vega (20) and Carmella (21) as Ronda Rousey returns, causing Lynch to get half of her next lines bleeped off of the telecast. Once she calms down, Lynch settles down to being able to make her tap again in the main event.
27 - Michelle McCool
Michelle McCool comes out sporting an Undertaker biker vest while Rousey makes her first elimination with Io Shirai (22).
28 - Shotzi Blackheart
Shotzi storms down to the ring while Rousey makes her second elimination with Michelle McCool (23).
29 - Jazz
The former WWE and NWA Women’s champion joins the ring, currently giving us Alexa Bliss, Asuka, Bayley, Ronda Rousey, Shotzi Blackheart, and now Jazz. Jazz goes after Rousey while Asuka is facing Bayley and Bliss is facing Blackheart.
30 - Shayna Baszler
Shayna Baszler enters last and squares up with Rousey in another moment where everyone pauses. The two talk for a moment and Baszler can be seen counting that Rousey has eliminated two people so far. Baszler dashes at, chocked out, and eliminates Shotzi Blackheart (24) followed quickly by the same with Jazz (25). Baszler steps up to Rousey again indicating that now they both have two. They appear to get ready to take the other three together when Baszler turns on Rousey. Lock, choke, and Ronda Rousey (26) is thrown out of the ring (another standing ovation from Lynch), giving us a final four of Alexa Bliss (2 eliminations), Asuka (4 eliminations), Bayley (2 eliminations), and Shayna Baszler (3 eliminations). The other three all attack Baszler, but in the mess Baszler is able to counter Asuka (27) out of the ring, now down to three. We get a good five minutes of the three countering each other when Baszler gets cocky and tries to choke out both, but giving them the opportunity to back her up and eliminate Baszler (28) from the match. The two face off for another five minutes with near-eliminations, but its Bayley who is able to finally eliminate Bliss (29), punching her ticket to being the last Horsewoman to main event WrestleMania - but now which fellow Horsewoman will she chose? Before we cut to the back, Bayley and Lynch are shown staring down each other giving us a good idea of who Bayley will pick.
Quixotronic Bullpen Predictions (Iron Woman):
Kyle: Charlotte Flair
Andy: TBA
Ryan: TBA
Tim: Charlotte Flair
Quixotronic Bullpen Predictions (Most Eliminations):
Kyle: Io Shirai
Andy: TBA
Ryan: TBA
Tim: Bianca Belair
Quixotronic Bullpen Predictions (Final Four & Winner):
Kyle: Asuka, Charlotte Flair, Bianca Belair, Ronda Rousey
Andy: TBA
Ryan: TBA
Tim: Bayley, Bianca Belair, Charlotte Flair, Rhea Ripley
WWE Universal Title Match : Seth Rollins vs Roman Reigns ©
The Background: Roman Reigns was set to defend his WWE Universal title against Brock Lesnar at WWE Day One 2022 but then tested positive for COVID-19. Instead of postponing the match until WWE Royal Rumble, Lesnar was plugged into the WWE World title fatal four way instead. With Lesnar busy with other things (kind of?), Reigns needed a new challenger. With Smackdown's babyfaces down for the count (Drew McIntyre is dealing with neck issues, Xavier Woods has an injured plantaris muscle, Jeff Hardy was fired), so Seth Rollins, one of Raw's top heels, has been tapped to be that new top babyface for Roman to face. Rollins showed up to harass Reigns with his smile at the end of the January 7 Smackdown. On the January 21 Smackdown, Rollins and partner Kevin Owens faced the Usos to disallow the Usos from accompanying Roman Reigns in his match against Rollins - Reigns himself caused the DQ finish by hitting Rollins with a Superman Punch. Earlier, it was Acknowledged that Roman Reigns' (as-of-January 21, 2022) 508-day Reign as WWE Universal Champion was now the longest Reign with the title. Compared to the WWE World title, it is #6 behind Pedro Morales' (1,207 days). Other reigns include Bruno Sammartino (1,237 days), Hulk Hogan (1,474 days), Bob Backlund (2,135 days), and again Bruno Sammartino (2,803 days). Reigns would have to more-than double his title Reign to pass Morales, but I'm guessing we won't be comparing the titles on-air.
Fanboy Fantasy: With the Usos barred from the match, Roman Reigns enters alone. Rollins comes in full-baby face mode. The two are evenly matched and know each other moves instinctively, so it’s a battle of counter-maneuvers. For every one strike either gets, there’s five or six counter-strikes. Rollins is able to hit a Curb Stomp, but Reigns kicks out. Later Reigns hits the Superman Punch but Rollins kicked out. This is common but the commentary team puts it over as each knowing the other so well that they can brace themselves even for the big moves. Roman is able to secure the win with another Superman Punch and Spear to retain his title.
Quixotronic Bullpen Predictions:
Kyle: Roman Reigns - Roman Reigns should hold the belt for at least three more years. Do it, you cowards.
Andy: Seth Rollins
Ryan: Roman Reigns
Tim: Roman Reigns
WWE World Title Match : Bobby Lashley vs Brock Lesnar ©
The Background: Big E was supposed to face Seth Rollins one-on-one at WWE Day One 2022, but you may have noticed that neither name is in this match. Kevin Owens was later added to the match as of the November 29 Raw, and Bobby Lashley added as of the December 13 Raw. The final piece was added the night of WWE Day One 2022 when it was announced that WWE Universal Champion Roman Reigns had tested positive for COVID-19 and Brock Lesnar was slid into the now-fatal-five-way match for Big E's WWE World title. And he won the damn thing. It was faster than a single F5 on FOX's debut October 4 (2019) Smackdown with former WWE World Champion (and New Day brother) Kofi Kingston, but it still sucked. The next night on the January 3 Raw, Bobby Lashley defeated the other three competitors to become the new #1 contender, somehow at least producing a dream match.
Fanboy Fantasy: Bobby Lashley enters with MVP while Brock Lesnar finally has Paul Heyman by his side for a match again. The two beasts start slow and feel each other out, showing a bit of technical wrestling before each going for huge chops and strikes. Both are smacking the shit out of each other, but both are also smiling? Should they both be smiling? Brock tries to hook Lashley up for an F5 but Lashley wiggles out, impressing Brock. A minute later, Lashley tries to hook the Hurt Lock, but Brock breaks out. All things considered, the two are having… fun? Even MVP and Heyman appear to be sharing notes. But then Cedric Alexander shows up. Heyman questions MVP about it and they both yell at the referee to get him out of here, and in the confusion Shelton Benjamin pops up. Benjamin and Lashley lock eyes, understand each other, and Benjamin attacks. Brock fights him off, but Lashley tries to hook the Hurt Lock again. The referee notices Benjamin and tries to get him out of the ring, giving Alexander time to attack and help Lashley lock in the Hurt Lock. The referee sees Alexander, and we switch again with Benjamin on the attack while Alexander is with the ref and the whole time MVP is holding back Heyman. Lesnar, officially on the defensive, has been in the Hurt Lock for a few minutes at this point until MVP finally decks Heyman. The referee slides out to check on Heyman while Lashley and Brock both freeze. Brock slowly turns his head and they make eye contact, and Brock breaks the Lock only to get hit by super kicks by both sides from Alexander and Benjamin. Benjamin hits a Paydirt which allows Lashley to hook the Hurt Lock again. Lashley maintains it again for several minutes until Lesnar passes out and the ref calls the match. Bobby Lashley is once again the WWE World Champion and the Hurt Business is officially reunited. As it should be.
Quixotronic Bullpen Predictions:
Kyle: Brock Lesnar - I really want Lashley to beat Lesnar, but I can't make that call official. Prove me wrong!
Andy: Brock Lesnar
Ryan: Brock Lesnar
Tim: Brock Lesnar
Men's Royal Rumble Match
15 of 30 announced : AJ Styles, Angelo Dawkins, Austin Theory, Big E, Damian Priest, Happy Corbin, Dominik Mysterio, Johnny Knoxville, Kevin Owens, Kofi Kingston, Madcap Moss, Montez Ford, Rey Mysterio, Sami Zayn, Sheamus
The Background: It's the men's Royal Rumble match - the winner gets a title shot in the main event of WrestleMania 38.
Fanboy Fantasy:
1 - Omos
2 - Madcap Moss
Surprise! Omos eliminates Madcap Moss (1) barely after the bell rings. We then get an awkward 80 seconds of Omos hanging out in the ring alone.
3 - Tommaso Ciampa
The former NXT Champion is next and he does not back down from Omos, despite being as big as Omos’s leg. He’s able to hang on when the next competitor enters.
4 - Kevin Owens
Kevin Owens charges the ring and immediately helps out Ciampa with fighting off Omos - the sooner they get the giant out of the ring, the better for everyone else.
5 - Jinder Mahal
Jinder Mahal, on the other hand, doesn’t know how to cooperate and goes after Tommaso Ciampa, thinking the smaller man will be an easy victory. He doesn’t know Ciampa who easily rises to the occasion while Owens holds his own with Omos.
6 - Johnny Knoxville
Johnny Knoxville enters with shopping cart of weapons as if he’s cosplaying as Raven. Of course they’re Jackass weapons so it’s toys and other bullshit. Everyone pauses to see what the hell he’s up to, which he doesn’t notice until he’s already in the ring. Ciampa and Owens back up as Omos grabs Knoxville with ease, but then swings him like a baseball bat and knocks out Jinder Mahal (2) who lands in the shopping cart. Omos then lawn dart tosses Knoxville (3) out, now having all three current eliminations.
7 - Big E
Big E enters next. He and Owens square up, but again both them and Ciampa are smart so they all three attack Omos again, doing their best to neutralize the big man. They’re able to get him over the top rope but haven’t gotten him officially out of the ring when the next competitor enters.
8 - Apollo Crews
Crews pulls the stupid move by attacking Owens, allowing Omos time to get back into the ring to cause more damage.
9 - Sami Zayn
Sami Zayn makes the save on Owens as the two not only discuss teaming up, but then team up. No turning, they just work together for the whole match. Fucking fighting forever, they’re friends now damnit.
10 - Cody Rhodes
The forbidden door crashes open as independent contractor and former AEW TNT Champion Cody Rhodes returns for a night for one reason: he can. In the shock, the camera completely misses Omos making the next elimination with Apollo Crews (4). Commentary wonders if losing his title earlier in the week has caused him to come crawling back to WWE, tail between his legs. However, Rhodes dives back in and looks like someone looking to prove that he’s the best. But speaking of the best…
11 - AJ Styles
AJ goes right for Omos, but itsn’t in time to stop Omos from finally tossing out Ciampa (5), still maintaining all current eliminations.
12 - Roderick Strong
Former NXT North American and Cruiserweight Champion is out next and goes after Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens, somehow now teaming with Cody Rhodes. While others still try to work on Omos when possible.
13 - Angelo Dawkins
Dawkins slides in just as Omos gets his full hands on Styles who uses him to ram Dawkins (6) out of ring right away, but AJ is able to avoid being eliminated right after.
14 - Shinsuke Nakamura
Nakamura gets played down to the ring by Milwaukee’s Rick Boogs, and saves Styles from Omos. Nakamura barely has to crouch down to then punch Omos in the testicles while laughing at AJ. Remember when he kept punching AJ in the balls? They can laugh about that together now. Good times.
15 - Kofi Kingston
Kofi Kingston enters next, and with the now combined power of the New Day, Owens & Zayn, AJ & Nakamura, and even Cody Rhodes and Roderick Strong, everyone is finally able to push Omos (7) out of the ring, ending his streak at 6 eliminations.
16 - Miz
The Miz enters the ring while Omos, still on the outside, literally reaches into the ring and pulls out Roderick Strong (8), getting another elimination. While the referees try to get him a way, Omos has time to reach in and pull Big E (9) out of the ring. Big E, pissed at this outcome, brawls with Omos as they are finally pushed to the back, ending Omos’s elimination number at 8 of the last 9.
17 - Charlie Haas/Josh Alexander
Charlie Haas’ music hits but he comes out in a track suit, sporting a t-shirt for the actual entrant: the Walking Weapon, Josh Alexander. The two recently faced off on Impact, and now Haas has decided to coach Alexander to get any title shot since Impact keeps denying him his rightful rematch to their World title.
18 - Matt Riddle
Matt Riddle enters and is about to fight when he realizes he doesn’t recognize either Rhodes or Alexander.
19 - Pete Dunne
It doesn’t take long for Riddle to recognize someone though: his former Bro-serweight partner is next. Riddle, who hasn’t done anything yet, gives Dunne a big hug while Dunne shrugs it off. They start teaming up while AJ Styles eliminates the Miz (10)
20 - Ricochet
Ricochet enters next while Sami Zayn is able to eliminate Josh Alexander (11). Haas heads to the back with Alexander, both mad that the title shot has been denied.
21 - Randy Orton
Randy Orton heads to the ring and Riddle is excited to introduce is old friend to his current friend. Orton looks confused about why Riddle is explaining this while Rhodes locks eyes with Orton. Orton indicates that Rhodes is one of his old friends, making Riddle happy that now they’re all friends. Or not: Orton eliminates Pete Dunne (12) and Cody Rhodes (13) in quick succession, angering Riddle. The two brawl.
22 - Sheamus
Sheamus is out next and he goes after Ricochet first while Riddle is able to eliminate two-time winner Randy Orton (14).
23 - Damian Priest
Damian Priest is next and makes a statement by eliminating both Riddle (15) and Shinsuke Namakura (16) within seconds.
24 - Hiroshi Tanahashi
Unknown music hits and the next entrant is IWGP United States Champion Hiroshi Tanahashi. He shakes hands with Nakamura as they pass in the entryway as Damian Priest eliminates Sami Zayn (17) next.
25 - Finn Balor
Finn Balor enters next and we now have Balor, Tanahashi, and Styles all in a Royal Rumble match somehow.
26 - Montez Ford
Montez Ford is next, going after Priest who has now had the last three eliminations.
27 - Austin Theory/Mustafa Ali
Austin Theory comes out next, but before he can make it to the ring, Mustafa Ali jumps out of the crowd and attacks Theory, beating him bloody. While medics attend to Theory, Ali enters in his place while making eye contact with the cameras and clearly yelling at Vince McMahon - if Vince doesn’t want to let him go, then he’s going to do what he never let Retribution do and disrupt everything. First he’s taken out Vince’s current favorite, but next he goes after the man that he blames for his woes: Kofi Kingston. Ali clearly uses stiff shots and eliminates Kingston (18).
28 - Cesaro
Cesaro is next, joining Ricochet in facing off against Sheamus. The two are able to eliminate Sheamus (19) together, but Cesaro accidentally eliminates Ricochet (20) along with him.
29 - Happy Corbin
Happy Corbin is next, making everyone sad that he hadn’t been lucky enough to get lucky number 29, though admittedly while typing this I immediately realize he will definitely be getting #30 at the real show.
30 - The Undertaker
The final entrant is the American Badass, the Undertaker, last seen burying AJ Styles alive two years ago. Undertaker makes a point to eliminate Mustafa Ali (21) first, for Vince. He goes for the next closest superstar, Montez Ford (22) who weirdly mouths thank you, I love you, to the Taker as he is eliminated. Off on the other side of the ring, Damian Priest makes his fourth elimination by taking out Finn Balor (23), while Corbin angers all of the internet by taking out Tanahashi (24). Kevin Owens, voice of the people, eliminates Corbin (25) next for all of us while AJ Styles finally eliminates Damian Priest (26), giving us a final four of AJ Styles, Cesaro, Kevin Owens, and Undertaker, all with 2 eliminations a piece. Taker and Styles brawl for a while while Cesaro and Owens match up. Undertaker is able to eliminate Styles (27). Owens and Cesaro regroup and work together to take out the Undertaker, though at one point Undertaker is able to dodge Owens who then eliminates Cesaro (28). This gives us a good five minute brawl between the Undertaker and Kevin Owens before Undertaker eliminates Owens (29) to win his second Royal Rumble match. Roman Reigns appears at the entryway and much like Bayley/Lynch, its obvious who the Rumble winner will be picking. Roman has been unstoppable, but he’ll be facing the Undertaker in Texas. Don Roman may finally Rest In Peace.
Quixotronic Bullpen Predictions (Iron Man):
Kyle: Kevin Owens
Andy: TBA
Ryan: TBA
Tim: AJ Styles
Quixotronic Bullpen Predictions (Most Eliminations):
Kyle: Omos
Andy: TBA
Ryan: TBA
Tim: Big E
Quixotronic Bullpen Predictions (Final Four & Winner):
Kyle: AJ Styles, Big E, Kevin Owens, Matt Riddle
Andy: TBA
Ryan: TBA
Tim: Big E, Damian Priest, Elias, Rey Mysterio
WrestleMania 38 : a Quixotronic epilogue
The Background: It's super hard to put together a Royal Rumble without instinctively booking WrestleMania at the same time, so here's what I came up with while birthing twin Rumble babies.
Big E vs Omos : Big E takes it personally that Omos eliminated him after he himself was eliminated - we get some fun mock court scenes with Big E trying to overturn the ruling, even calling Shawn Michaels as a witness (Michaels was eliminated by Angle in similar fashion in 2005). It doesn't work, they face off at WrestleMania where Big E re-enacts Hogan/Andre and wins.
Matt Riddle vs Randy Orton : Obvious tag team break up, Matt Riddle wins.
Nikki V (for Villain) vs Rhea Ripley : Another obvious tag team break up, Rhea Ripley wins.
Drew McIntyre vs Happy Corbin : I assumed McIntyre is still injured so didn't use him in my Rumble - I'd have "Happy" Corbin go further with his whole lucky thing and start doing a Happy Challenge where he faces mystery opponents and wins. He holds the latest Happy Challenge at WrestleMania and McIntyre returns to put an end to the whole Happy character. Bring back the Lone Wolf!
Kofi Kingston vs Mustafa Ali : How has this not happened. Let this happen. Mustafa Ali gets the win and the rub of beating a former WWE World Champion.
Women's Tag Team Titles : The Bellas vs Lita & Trish Stratus vs Bianca Belair & Liv Morgan vs Asuka & Io Shirai vs Naomi & Sonya Deville vs Carmella & Zelina Vega © : Yes, it's a throw-everyone-in match and obviously Shirai gets paired with Asuka because Asian, but the fun part is Sonya Deville (still actively fucking with Naomi for some reason) forces her to be her partner. Bianca Belair & Liv Morgan get the win, but on the Smackdown-after-Mania, Mandy Rose returns to rejoin Deville to torment the entire women's division.
Raw Tag Team Titles : The Hurt Business vs Street Profits vs Alpha Academy © : Did you read my Lashley/Lesnar match? The Hurt Business gets the gold, obviously.
Smackdown Tag Team Titles : Kevin Owens & Sami Zayn vs The Usos © : I've booked this before and I'll book it again - I want Owens and Zayn to be best friends and best champions.
Intercontinental Title Match : Sheamus vs Cesaro © : Cesaro wins the Intercontinental at some point, but then Sheamus gets the title match in a bid to win the one title he never has - and he does, winning the secondary title of his brand for the second year in a row. However, Xavier Woods beats Sheamus for the title on the Smackdown-after-Mania.
United States Title Ladder Match : Austin Theory vs Dolph Ziggler vs Dominik Mysterio vs Finn Balor vs the Miz vs Rey Mysterio vs Robert Roode vs Damian Priest © : Damian Priest's whole fuck-everyone attitude leads to him having to defend his title against everyone. Austin Theory wins the title after Dominik "accidentally" injures his dad with a ladder - he returns in a few weeks on Raw now wearing Rey's mask, probably-still-too-early heel turn complete.
AJ Styles vs Edge : AJ Styles mocks Edge for not making it into the Rumble and takes credit for eliminating the Miz, the man that stopped Edge from being able to pull a repeat. Whatever, it doesn't actually need a story because we just want to see them face off in a dream match.
Ronda Rousey vs Shayna Baszler : Another dream match where Shayna Baszler murders. Oh how she murders.
Cody Rhodes vs Seth Rollins : In the first of two Forbidden-Door matches, Rhodes sticks around actively trying to recruit Rollins, or Tyler Black as he insists on calling him, over to his side of independence. Obviously WWE is holding Rollins/Black down, and his old friend Moxley wants him in AEW also even though he won't admit it. Before Mania we get a Rollins/Moxley vs Cody/Dustin match on Raw and a Rollins vs Dustin match on Dynamite. It's still WWE so Rollins goes over.
United State Open Challenge : John Cena vs Hiroshi Tanahashi : Tanahashi sticks around on excursion for one purpose - he's the IWGP United States Champion and wants to make a United States Open Challenge to the Ace of WWE, John Cena. NJPW doesn't allow the title to be on the line, but both come to the ring with their belts (in Cena's case his old spinner-US title). In a shock, Tanahashi pins Cena.
Smackdown Women's Title : Alexa Bliss vs Charlotte Flair © : With Rumble winner Bayley choosing to face Lynch, Bliss's return and exorcism cause her to become the top contender to Flair - she wins the title, return and face turn complete.
WWE World Title Cage Match : Brock Lesnar vs Bobby Lashley © : After winning the title and reforming the Hurt Business, Lesnar does everything he can to get a rematch. He finds allies (briefly) in Josh Alexander and Charlie Haas, giving us a big-time Raw match at Elimination Chamber, plus a much smaller Shelton Benjamin vs Josh Alexander match on Impact on AXS. We get a cage match to keep the rest of the Hurt Business away but also to have an MMA feel. Lashley retains for the second year in a row.
Raw Women's Title : Bayley vs Becky Lynch © : Lynch mocks Bayley for again being the last Horsewoman to make it to the main event of WrestleMania, but Bayley makes it her mission to win and give Lynch her first loss in three years. Bayley does it and beats Lynch to win the title in the main event of night one.
WWE Universal Title Match : The Undertaker vs Roman Reigns © : Undertaker finally gets a final match in front of a crowd. It's slow, but they're in Texas and it's WrestleMania and it doesn't fucking matter. Undertaker pins Roman Reigns, but then leaves the belt in the middle of the ring, officially retiring as champion. And you know what that means - it's tournament time! Though Lashley and MVP start making the case to be the one-and-only champion of all of WWE. Will it work out for them? We'll see! Narrator : they did not.
That's it for our WWE Royal Rumble 2022 (and another WrestleMania 38!) preview and fantasy booking. We'll be back in February for what will probably be a double-shot preview for both Impact No Surrender and WWE Elimination Chamber (both February 19, 2022) while March will have Impact Sacrifice (March 5, 2022) and AEW Revolution (March 6, 2022). After that will be the ultra-mega-wrestling event that is WWE WrestleMania 38 (April 2-3, 2022) which we'll through in NXT 2.0 Stand & Deliver and the return of Ring of Honor with ROH Supercard of Honor XV - if I get it all done, I'm guessing NXT 2.0 and ROH will be bundled together. Somewhere in there I'll type up the last match of my Quixo-WWE Universe - The Fiend vs The Undertaker. One of these days...
But before that, if you haven't already, please checkout season one of the all-fantasy Quixo booking with WWE 2021 : Quixo-WrestleMania 37, Quixo-Great American Bash 2021, and Quixo-SummerSlam 2021! What's better than some fantasy booking? All fantasy booking.
Thanks for joining us again and be sure to subscribe on Facebook and follow https://www.quixotronic.com/ for more questionable content.